dough whips .... kinky ....

sex, drugs, and cocoa puffs

Fri, 27 Aug 2004 02:04:54 GMT

every single one of you desperately needs to pick up a copy of Drugs, Sex, and Cocoa Puffs by Chuck Klosterman. he is a genius ... someone who really speaks the truth of what we all believe and dont want to admit to ourselves.

a couple of sentences from the back of the book that i believe sum up a lot:

"Klosterman attacks the entire spectrum of postmodern America: reality tv, internet porn, pamela anderson, literary jesus freaks, and the real difference between apples and oranges (of which there is none). and dont even get him started on his love life and the whole harry-met-sally situation."

Sat, 31 Jul 2004 04:55:28 GMT

HELLO I'M THE MOST BORING JOURNAL ENTRY EVER.

(i thought i should top that last one off)

(sorry - i humor only myself)

hubba hubba

Sat, 31 Jul 2004 04:54:34 GMT

long time no ... write? well my computer is broken and has been for quite awhile now. i'm on my mom's at the momento. a lot has happened so instead of trying to recap let's just say that i am awesome and leave it at that. but i miss playing around on the computer so you have to deal with me talking about nothing just so i can type. hehe - yes i am the revenge master ... I DONT CARE IF YOU DIDNT DO ANYTHING WRONG! --- DID I ASK YOU WHAT COLOR YOUR CATS EYES WERE!?!? --- ok, so i know you all have no idea what i'm talking about but whatever.
anyway ... i have nothing to write about because i'm extremely happy with my life right now and everybody knows that if you dont have anything to complain about then you dont have anything to write about.
so i'll just leave it at that and allow this to be the most boring journal entry ever.

a kick will help, right?

Tue, 01 Jun 2004 01:05:15 GMT

my computer is being a little bitch - it's not being as bad now as it has been doing but it keeps randomly shutting off - little bitch.
oh well.
i haven't written in awhile. things are going really well - for the most part. my summer is going really well so far. but yeah ... i'm going to go now.

sumertime and the livings easy

Fri, 21 May 2004 01:58:12 GMT

and the ever awaited for summer is here. it's going to be the greatest!

sings working at the car wash ...

Fri, 07 May 2004 01:14:38 GMT

so me and melanie had a car washing party today - our cars are oh so beautiful ... especially hers. 72 beatles are oh so nice ... especially when they're spotlessly clean. i'm so proud of us - as stupid as that may sound.

but yeah ... other than that nothing else thats much new. i'm sort of dating this guy adam.
we went to show him melanies car and hung out with him for a minute. and he was skipping to take something somewhere and it was really cute ... my first not-forced-liking-in-the-not-friends-way. it happens ...

sings i wanna lick your brains out

Thu, 06 May 2004 01:52:44 GMT

haha - angela has a hot date - :) ... you know i love you ....

dancing with myself

Fri, 30 Apr 2004 01:36:39 GMT

god - i'm in such a good mood.
yummmm ... mindless self indulgence .....

so i watched yellow submarine for the first time today - me and angela are definitely going to watch that when we do shrooms. it's going to be so kick ass.

and yeah - i'm going to go thrash about now ...

just forgot my confustion

Thu, 29 Apr 2004 01:23:53 GMT

so ... melanie got a kitten today - and it's super cute - all gray and fuffy - and we named her noxema - it's awesome.
and i got some pictures developed that i've been meaning to get developed for forever. a couple of them were of zach from way back when when we were actually dating. and then a lot were of breanna - and i'm pretty sure that was when i was sort of dating her too. she's so cute. but yeah.
and i'm finally getting sort of back to my normal self. there's still a few things that havent gone back to normal. but for the most part i'm starting to enjoy myself again and am not quite as frustrated with EVERYTHING anymore. so so good.

four

Tue, 27 Apr 2004 05:12:51 GMT

Please tell me why -
I will fight to live
for one last night
One more moment by your side
A memory I will have
as the stars fade away
as the light leaves your face
And I will reach a begging hand
Where your shadow used to rest
Hope a glimpse will reappear
Dream of one more kiss
one more breath
that will send a flutter down my spine
And my heart will beat again
Please tell me why -
I search for you among faces
that have all blended into one
Can't tell my memory from dreams
Did you leave
or was it me
Peek from behind dusty blinds
Is that you by my side
with flowers in your hair
and a suicide smile
Do you remember sheepish grins
And clutching onto life
Believing in something
Trying to make things right
Please tell me why -
I will fight
for one last night
A whisper in the wind
The clouds to disappear
Please tell my why -
I will search
for one more moment
by your side

aaahhhhhhhhh!!!!!!

Tue, 27 Apr 2004 00:53:03 GMT

so i just found out that corin wants to divorce my brother - and my big bro's really upset - which is understandable ... and i already feel sorry for lenox - he'll never remember his parents being together.

and a-proming we will go ...

Sun, 25 Apr 2004 19:06:13 GMT

so ... prom sucked major fucking ass. never am i going to prom with straight girls ever again - except for gay prom in two weeks which doesn't really count because it's not a prom-prom, if you get what i mean. but yeah - i have never felt so unappreciated and unwanted in my entire life. fun. but what did i expect? that's how i've been feeling around them in general lately. but whatever. i'm so tired of all this shit. i keep telling myself to just hold out until summer - everything will be better in the summer - but i really doubt that - it'll probably just get worse. oh well.

three

Fri, 23 Apr 2004 00:59:08 GMT

my brain spins around
i'm finding it hard to resist
this cold metal ecstasy
blood in my mouth

what did you eat today?
were they red or blue?
did they slide down nicely?
is your world a bit fuzzy?

i saw you today
with your hair in your face
your heart in your stomach
your stomach on the ground

what did you eat today?
did it pump on its way down?
did it fight for its life?
did it burn your insides?

i saw you today
no care in the world
but the hope for some love
to find and destroy

what did i eat today?
was it shiny and new?
did it bite my mind?
did it shatter my world?

two

Thu, 22 Apr 2004 01:41:19 GMT

Hello Doctor Lady -
Are you here to tell me?
What's my diagnonsense?
What's my meds for today?
A teaspoon of sugar and a sack-o-love?
All my prescriptions have already been filled
I'm still waiting for my cure -
A conscience
A glowing soul
Tell me Doctor Lady -
Are you ready for this?
Are they ready for me?
Tell me Doctor Lady -
What's my diagnonsense?

handcuffs ... kinky

Mon, 19 Apr 2004 22:08:59 GMT

eh - i dont really have anything to say ... i just didnt feel like starting my homework.
i got bored - so i put on my handcuffs - :) ... fun. so i'm typing with handcuffs on because i'm a loser.
i want to do something ... like make presents for people ... but i dont have the stuff for that. i want to do something that will make people smile at me again. i'm tired of the mean looks - and even more tired of the mean words. all this shit i keep doing wrong, i dont mean to do. most of the things i've been doing wrong are things that i've been doing just because i care about people - and then it turns into me being some big bitch or something. i dont understand. but whatever - i dont give a shit anymore.

one

Thu, 15 Apr 2004 20:18:15 GMT

crawl into my hole -
skin sticking to the damp concrete
patches of dirt
falling from the ceiling and walls
old fingernails and clumps of hair
old memories ... lasting friendship

i can't feel it here -
the warm pressure trying to seep in
the moist breeze reaching my pulse
as i stare into the never-ending black
the fluttering confusion gripping my insides

i know you -
i've known you my whole life
though you were never there

you're that skipped heartbeat
that twinkle in an eye
the butterflies trying to errupt
from the acid-filled chamber where they're kept

i must not feel you
all my senses gone to hell
bring back the heartbeat, dull the twinkle, trap the butterflies
i must not know you

goat

Wed, 14 Apr 2004 20:25:42 GMT

hmm ... and once again i'm supposed to be working on my homework - but i'm not. go figure. but i must get a little done because i promised myself that if i got some homework done today then i can go hang out with angela - oh the acts of self bribery.

but yeah - meara called me last night to apologize for the attack at spectrum. which was very much appreciated. we didnt really talk long - just a couple of minutes - but i consider her apology one of the nicest things shes ever done toward me. i suppose that sounds really stupid - but its true.

but i'm going to go now and work on some good ole physics homework - yummm ...

when do you think you'll breathe

Mon, 12 Apr 2004 02:07:55 GMT

i dont know how i feel. escape is good for that. but at least things look prettier now - for a bit. i suppose if i was feeling anything right now it would be that sinking feeling that i should die. but i'm thinking of good things at the moment. i had a good day at work. i spent twenty or so minutes in brads car (not what you're thinking) - we just drove around until we found a place to buy devon some cigars. but i got brads address today because i told him that as soon as i had the money to buy pretty stationary i was going to write him a letter. but yeah - thats pretty much the jist of it at the moment.

to high to die

Sat, 10 Apr 2004 02:13:27 GMT

so i broke down today - well actually last night and today - the first time in a long time. just not liking how things are going in my life - been like that for awhile - and i finally really broke down. i dont think angela and melanie knew what to do. i dont know what they could have done. i think the last time i had one that bad was in seventh grade. i was going to leave from melanies because of it and i was walking out to my car and i just colapsed because i knew that if i went home i was going to kill myself - and i didnt have anywhere else to go. so i sat in the grass for a few minutes and cried. then i went back inside.

but now i'm home and would be a threat to myself i suppose, but once again ive gotten paid to get high. thats what little caesars is good for. i guess i'll deal with myself some tomorrow or something.

strongly recommend

Tue, 06 Apr 2004 21:46:51 GMT

everyone should read one flew over the cuckoo's nest by ken kesey. i just got done reading it and its one of the best books i've ever read. it will change the way you look at everyone.

one more reason goes down the drain

Tue, 06 Apr 2004 03:19:16 GMT

will someone please explain why the reasons to hurt yourself never seem to go away?

beat my guest

Mon, 05 Apr 2004 01:46:32 GMT

so i had an eventful weekend - nearly got the shit beat out of me ...

so i took melanie and angela to spectrum. we had been there maybe ten or fifteen minutes when meara comes strolling in. so the first thing i do is leave - head out to me car - with angela and melanie trailing behind me. well, angela forgot her purse so she went back inside with melanie to get it. and then i noticed that i forgot my cell phone so i started to go back inside to get that when melanie and angela ... and meara trailing behind them came outside. first thing meara did was try and hit me. i ran away into the building - into the spectrum room with her running after me - and got cornered in the kitchen -- all while yelling for someone to stop her because i didnt want to fight her. so i'm cornered in the kitchen - shes got me by the jacket and i see shes about to punch me - and three or four adults come in and drag her off me - but she's still holding onto my jacket and wont let go. i had to unzip my jacket and get out of it because she wouldnt let go of me. and stumbled out of the kitchen - shaking like fuck - grab my cell phone and leave. a couple of people asked me if i was ok - i said i was fine. i talked to big jess and david and they said she's going to be kicked out - at least for awhile - until she can get ahold of herself.
so that pretty much set the tone for my weekend.
and then i come home and my dad bitches at me for being an inconsiderate, selfish bitch. says i dont care about the feelings of anyone else. and that i dont appreciate how much they are considerate of my feelings. i guess calling me a dyke is the most considerate thing he can think to do. man, i dont understand why im not more considerate of their feelings. and i'm so fucking immature all the fucking time. because once again - calling me a dyke is so fucking mature.
but i gotta go take a shower.

note to meara

Tue, 30 Mar 2004 00:11:30 GMT

this is the last time i'm going to tell you this --- fuck off. get help and leave me the fuck alone. i'm tired of you leaving notes on my journal trying to see how much you can make me feel like shit. well, you can't make me feel like shit anymore. no matter how much you pry off my weaknesses like you always have. nothing you say has an affect on me so quit trying. just leave me alone.

plastered pimp

Fri, 26 Mar 2004 18:06:15 GMT

soo ... last night went quite well except for the fact that i passed out and then woke up again for the sole purpose of puking my guts out and then passed out again. but kenneth being the sweetheart he is cleaned up my puke mess for me. he has raised himself quite a few steps higher on my nice guy scale. but being the light-weight person that i am - i drank too many beers in too short of a time. which means i didnt get to enjoy as much of the night as i wanted to because i passed out. also means i only remember bits and pieces of the night. but me being the extra-loving person that i am when i'm drunk - i turned out to be quite the pimp. just kidding. but i do remember look at the environment around me and realizing that i had one arm around angela and holding hands with zach with the other. and i was like - how the fuck did that happen? but whatever. and evidentally i made out with angela quite a few times - though i only remember doing it once. but that's all the excitement for now.

shower philosophy

Thu, 25 Mar 2004 16:33:32 GMT

i am not real. and neither are you. we're play-things. simply toys. we're indestructible. untouchable. there are no concequences. so let's stop living by them. in order to be happy you must know what happiness is. it's freedom. freedom to test the boundaries. freedom to laugh. freedom to enjoy life. freedom to be free. past and future don't exist. let's stop living in them. live in the present. that's where the happiness is.